Friday, May 23, 2008

*fridge id.

Yessir, it's Freudian. Freud, you see, has a theory that there's no such thing as an accident. Which pisses me off, frankly. Is he saying that when I attempted that cookie recipe I ended up with a garbage can full of perfectly useful ingredients because I forgot you can't half 1 egg on PURPOSE? Because that was an accident. It could happen to anyone.


So I decided, instead of BLOWING. YOUR. MIND. with chocolate wonder, I'd take the Amateur Gourmet's challenge.

And so, without further ado (because ado would imply this would be a much less pathetic insight into my life), I bring you:

My refrigerator. It is very pleased to meet you.

Milk, salsa, soy sauce, cream, more milk, cottage cheese, black-olive hummus (which, YUM), light french onion dip, and Beth's beer. Hear that Grandma? It's BETH'S. She left it at my house when I was at the library. Reading to sick children.

Beneath that? Foil-wrapped bacon on top of a Tupperware of formerly melted chocolate, a tiny wedge of 2% Cracker Barrel Cheddar, and an empty salad spinner.

And then? Eggs and Diet Mt. Dew.

Total percentage of viable foodstuffs? Hovering firmly at 11%. The rest qualifies as questionable, curdled, and possibly poisonous.

Now, drawers. Ooh! Naughty!

Broccoli/cauliflower mix, old olives, a withering cucumber, and red onion. Then some black basil and Parmigiano. What's that you say? Oh, no! Black basil is not a gourmet variety. It is quite simple to make, in fact. Buy some packaged basil, throw it in the refrigerator, and wait one week. Voilá! You, too, have black basil. I recommend you keep it in a crisper drawer. That way it has its very own space in which to liquify.

Butter (oh I still love that butter dish!), pickles, pickle relish, more butter (hi Mom!), spaghetti sauce, hot sauce, brown mustard, tamari, yellow mustard, and what i think is a total of three bottles of ranch dressing (seriously, Mom, just navigate away. Look: novelty tees!), bottled ginger, prepared horseradish, roasted red peppers, hoisin, curry powder, grape jelly, mayos, dijon mustard, and wasabi mustard. Ketchups, a never-used eye mask, and cornmeal.

And now, you have seen into my psyche. Turns out it has some rotten spots and a lot of condiments.


at: 2:00 PM said...

OK although I had never considered halfing an egg, I had no idea you couldn't. And what exactly is hoisin?

K. says:
at: 2:04 PM said...

i knew you couldn't, i just didn't exactly ... read.

hoisin is chinese barbecue sauce. it's delicious!

at: 3:06 PM said... what does someone who keeps eye mask in the fridge keep in the pantry? or the medicine cabinet?

at: 8:46 AM said...

cold ketchup ... eek! other than that, i find the contents of your fridge to be perfectly respectable.

K. says:
at: 10:54 AM said...

anonymo: ok judgy-pants. i said it was a NEVER-USED eye mask. my medicine cabinet full of vitamins and supplements, thank you very much.

j-bo: warm ketchup? my stars. how unsanitary.



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I am a work in progress. I perpetually need a hair cut. I'm totally devoted to my remarkable nieces and nephew. I am an elementary home cook and a magazine worker bee. (Please criticize my syntax and spelling in the comments.) I think my dog is hilarious. I like chicken and spicy things. I have difficulty being a grown-up. Left to my own devices, I will eat enormous amounts of cheese snacks of all kinds.