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Friday, January 15, 2010

*caffeine nation.

This week I caved to maternal pressure and replaced Diet Mt. Dew with coffee, which was a suggestion communicated to me by subtle hints ("Is that DMD you're drinking? You know what's better for you? COFFEE."), gentle nudges ("DMD, you say? I'm sure it is tasty. Tasty all the way to an EARLY GRAVE."), and kindly advice ("Have you read the paper? No? Would you like this section? No, this one right here with the front-page manifesto about how COFFEE will keep you from being ugly, dumb, and dead."). So I got the impression this coffee business was something worth investigating.

Super sleuth!

And five days into this experiment, here are my observations:

1. Coffee requires more dishwashing than Diet Mt. Dew.

2. Coffee does not require a trip to the gas station before work.

3. Diet Mt. Dew has lots of life-giving caffeine in it.

4. So does coffee.

5. Diet Mt. Dew has lots of effervescent bubbles in it.

6. Coffee does not.

7. Diet Mt. Dew is a disturbing shade of nuclear green.

8. Coffee makes your breath and your pee smell funny.

9. This just in: Coffee makes you tell strangers personal details.

You would think so far it's a wash, but I have to say—at this point coffee might be pulling ahead a bit. Its most important side effect is that it makes me feel all grown-up. I think it's fairly clear that I am not, in fact, grown-up in the least, but now I have the props of adulthood. If I can manage to get my hair cut more than once a year, I might just fool the world!

Coffee also requires time to percolate, which is a fancy word for taking 10 minutes, a time bubble that exceeds my attention span by ... oh, about nine minutes. How to fill that vacuum?

Impromptu photo shoot! Dog as model, Tyra as muse. J, give us ...

COY!

coyness.


ALERT.

alertness.


PENSIVE!

pensiveness.


SAD ...

sadness.


ENIGMAT- ... Geezus, what is that?

in wonderland.


OK, UM ... DESPERATE?

desperation.


Yeah, that was a mite insane. I may need to cut back on the coffee.

1 comments:

Anonymous
at: 5:08 PM said...

Hahaha hilarious. Oh and the best combo I have found is to have two cups of coffee and THEN a DMD. And if you do that and don't drink water you won't have to worry about the stinky pee!

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