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Thursday, July 30, 2009

*christmas in july.

Yesterday I arrived on the Woodside to find that Santa had been there! This past Christmas the momster gave me a DNA kit for J, an attempt to determine his diverse (and, I naturally presumed, illustrious) ancestry.

badge of honor.


Two weeks ago I carefully swabbed J's slobbersome cheeks to collect a sample of his genetic material, then lovingly wrapped the Q-tips in their official! sterilized! envelope! and put them in the postman's capable hands.

bio pet.


When the certification arrives, it is explained thusly:

levels.


Level 1 breeds are those with which your dog shares more than 75 percent of his DNA. J's results were ...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE ...

nuthin'. Whatevs. He doesn't need to be a "majority" anything. He would prefer to be an abjectly insane mix of things. Good news, J!

Level 2 breeds are those with which your dog shares 37 to 74 percent of his DNA. J's results were ...

DRUM ROLL PLEASE ...

STAFFORDSHIRE BULL TERRIER! Or what is essentially known as the American Pit Bull. Go figure.

laughing bull terrier




But wait! There's more! Level 3 breeds are those with which your dog shares between 20 and 36 percent of his DNA. J's results were ...

DRUM ROLL ahfergetit.

SHIH TZU!

Are you kidding me?

Daisy


underbite.


OK, you have a point. But still. Are you kidding me? I have a pit bull/shih tzu mix? A pit shit?

Jesus.

Level 4 breeds are those with which your dog shares 10 to 19 percent of his DNA. J's results were ...

BOXER! Go ahead and gloat everyone in the world who predicted this but me. I know you want to.

Ellie flossing with neighbours toys.




And also ...

ITALIAN GREYHOUND! Um ... kay ...

Pumpkin Portrait


fore legs.


And finally, LHASA APSO! What the holy hoo hah is that?

TJ




So there you have it. The answer you've all been waiting for. Our beloved J, killer of squirrels, licker of butts, eater of anything that stands still long enough, is ...

a staffordshire shit box greyhound lhasa.

ancestry.


I'm so proud.

9 comments:

Jeannie says:
at: 3:03 PM said...

I am trying to visualize this exactly .... nope ... not working. But this is the funniest thing I have seen in the longest.
Oh Jake ...

Anonymous
at: 3:08 PM said...

"proud pet of Katie Finley"

Hilarious. I always knew he was a shit :)

Jackie
at: 3:15 PM said...

So amazing. Although, I thought for sure that some pug would have been in there...:)

K. says:
at: 3:16 PM said...

yep, there goes my stunningly protected anonymity ...

Anonymous
at: 3:23 PM said...

So Jake is part Ewok? Who would have thunk it?

Anonymous
at: 3:59 PM said...

A pit shit. Only you. I immediately called my dad, who's been wondering about the ancestry of his supposedly 100% Scottish terrier with Greyhound-length legs. But nothing they could come up with for Dudley could ever match a pit shit combo.
Thank you for entertaining not only me, but everyone around me. You made my day.

kate says:
at: 6:42 PM said...

God: I needed that laugh . . . what a storied past! Wonder what Stella would turn out to be . . .

And so it goes... says:
at: 8:32 AM said...

This is so awesome. I would love to get one of those for Sandy! Where did your mom get the kit?

K. says:
at: 10:06 AM said...

hey, j! here's the link to the company's site where they list online retailers. i think it runs about $60 or so. totally worth it for the funny.

http://www.biopetvetlab.com/BreedIDOnlineRetail.asp

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