Thursday, October 16, 2008

*3 times a lady.

Who's ready to get their debate on?

I was born ready. See these sweet shades? Jauntily unbuttoned collar? Lack of tie? I am thinking about so many things at one time right now it's not even funny.

We have 13 cars (some of 'em's furrin!), but let's take the hearse, 'k? Nice turtleneck, by the way. Could you look any less human? I plan to use AIR QUOTES in copious amounts today. There will be a plumber named Joe. I don't need you screwin' up my everyman image with your frozenness. You there? Damn. Short-circuit.

The O-man not too pleased with this setup. How will the American people see my gams? Plus, when that whackjob starts waltzing Matilda, it does wonders for my percentage points.

Is Johnny's seat high enough? My friends, I need to look like I'm as tall as my opponent. I don't care if my feet don't touch the floor. Can I get a booster seat?

Bill Ayers? Never knew the guy. And I was like 8 when that dude was blowing stuff up. HA! You're OLD.

Mooooooo-oooooooooom! He's pickin' on me! He called me President Bush, which is so totally four years ago! It's not faaaaaaaaaaair!

Sweetheart, why are you writing with a Sharpie? They stain. And I'm sorry, but I'm not even sure I'm voting for you. Because I am awesome, and I'm not convinced you really know how to connect to awesome people. Now, that guy with the dazzling chompers, on the other hand ...

I know, right?

Listen, the only reason I put this mask on every day is so I can catch some shut-eye without anyone noticing. Now leave me be.

PUT ME IN THE GAME, COACH! I got this one!

In other news, I'm pretty, no? People always painted me as a pinched and shriveled old shrew. But I'm aging gracefully. Man, these guys are dull. Sling some mud at me, geezer. I dare you. I have been THROUGH it, with the Whitewater and the universal health care and the MONICA forheaven'ssake. You were in a prisoner-of-war camp? I am MARRIED TO BILL. Check and mate.

What. Evurr.

Who decorated this mess? Stephen Colbert? Screw it, let's go home. I gotta plug Cindy back in.

(Photos by Joe Raedle/Getty Images, Charlie Dharapak/Associated Press, Charlie Dharapak/Associated Press, Todd Heisler/The New York Times, Spencer Platt/Getty Images, Seth Wenig/Associated Press, Win McNamee/Getty Images, Seth Wenig/Associated Press, Damon Winter/The New York Times, Spencer Platt/Getty Images, and Damon Winter/The New York Times, respectively.)


Jenny Walls Robb says:
at: 1:10 PM said...

love it! love it! love it! thank you for posting this.

What's Next? says:
at: 1:14 PM said...

Excellent analysis. Insightful. Riveting. Accurate. Great job of seeing directly into the minds of those in attendance! It must have been the sushi.

Juarez Family says:
at: 1:19 PM said...

Hahahaha I like the quick wrap up - now I don't feel bad for missing it!

John-Bryan Hopkins says:
at: 1:31 PM said...






my foodgawker gallery



I am a work in progress. I perpetually need a hair cut. I'm totally devoted to my remarkable nieces and nephew. I am an elementary home cook and a magazine worker bee. (Please criticize my syntax and spelling in the comments.) I think my dog is hilarious. I like chicken and spicy things. I have difficulty being a grown-up. Left to my own devices, I will eat enormous amounts of cheese snacks of all kinds.