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*listen up.

Hey, Tuesday. Yeah, it's me, K. You know what? You know what your problem is? You're just waaaaaaaaaaay too buddy-buddy with Monday. We've talked about this; you agreed that Monday is a very bad influence. Why can't you pal around with that nice Friday boy? He's so full of optimism and promise. Monday is no good for you, with all her sleepy sneering and ugly desperation and "violent tendencies."

I'm prepared to give you another chance to prove yourself, Tuesday, because today was not your finest hour. I awoke to a puffy face, socks that won't stay up, forgotten breakfast, sub-30 outside temperatures, mascara stab wound, dead phone battery, forgotten camera cord, stumble on icy stairs, 80-plus office temperatures, forgotten meeting, splattered lunch on desk/cubicle wall/person, pathologically disregarded deadlines, and depressed mastery of the English language.

At this rate I fear I won't survive the day; that my fears are true and I really will be found days from now on the Woodside, circled by a hungry mutt, grateful I'm not alive to hear the coroner say, "Well this is new. I didn't know one could asphyxiate from dangerously small hosiery."

So shape up, Tuesday, or I'll be forced to send my henchman after you. You do not want to be snored to death, I can promise you that. REMEMBER THIS FACE.

side sit.
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*bevy of baby.

WARNING: THIS POST IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR BIRTH CONTROL METHODS.

gasp.

*photo by MW

It may cause you to behave inappropriately with the next fertile human being to stumble across your path.

boo.


There is also gratuitous cuteness contained herewith.

yawnz.


(Side note: Doesn't MW have great-looking teeth?)

peace.


Whadd're yew lookin' at?

coo.

*photo by MW

Oh, yer lookin' at me? [bats eyelashes]

gramps.

*photo by MW

When a new generation moves in, the old one gets unceremoniously shoved out. I tried drooling over my hand, and TFin didn't even give me the time of day.

hrm.

*photo by MW

You know what, I'll quiet down and just let you revel in the ridiculousness.

chick.

*photo by MW

I'm sad I missed out on knowing my other nieces as babies, but from what I can deduce, they only get prettier from this point on.

noway.

*photo by MW

That's what they tell me. Prettier than this.

awe.

*photo by MW

Yeah, I don't think my heart can take it.
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*flipping out.

The first week back to work has been, in a word, palatable. Which doesn't sound like much, I know, but the days leading up to my glorious end-of-the-year break had been a long flirtation with burnout, fighting frustration and flagging enthusiasm, dulled at the edges and feeling stalked by weariness.

So, you know, palatable. A step up!

The day before your last day of vacation feels like the first four stages of grief, a furious cycle through denial (This isn't happening!), anger (Damn the man!), bargaining (If I call in sick on a Monday after vacation, that'll seem believable, right?), and depression (Ah, skrewit. This is my life: work, then death.). You don't get to acceptance, because then it's suddenly the actual last day of vacation, and you figure there's nothing else to do but put on your party shoes.

In the case of The Family F, that meant a trip to FLiP Burger Boutique, an Atlanta hot spot recently spun off to the 'ham. Those of you with no social life whatsoever will recognize it as the brainchild of one Richard Blais, contestant on Top Chef: Chicago, season 4, only on Bravo.

Two things you should know about Richard Blais: One, he is a loser of weight. (Normally I would leave him and his weight alone, but in this case I feel I must tip my hat. Well done, sir!) Two, slimming down has made him no less adorable.

blais smile.

*photo by MW.


The hair is something to behold, no?

TFin and JBSH and I arrived first and chitchatted with the bartenders, and I ordered the ginger margarita (yumzah) and lamented my crummy photo skills with JBSH, each of us waving our cameras at each other in talentless solidarity.

flip bar.


Slowly the rest of the crew trickled in slowly, first TwinFin and MW, then LSis and her brood, including this dapper stranger.

studly.


Who is that handsome fellow? Why it is BiL himself, caught in a moment of self-congratulatory reverie. You see, he had realized the winsomeness of TFin's haberdashery, a feat not quite as well achieved by TwinFin.

hat pout.


Aw, big head.

We occupied a large table running down the center of the restaurant, flanked by the bar on one side and booths jauntily constructed of a banquette seat topped by another, upside down banquette seat (flip, get it?), with an impressive mural scrawled across the high ceiling above.

flip ceiling.


It is important to note that the family had only ratcheted up to our ordinary, everyday level of obnoxiousness—nothing fancy. We had to try every side first, then ordered a succession of ever more exciting milkshakes (s'mores, what they call in Atlanta "Nutella and burnt marshmallow" but have dumbed down for the Alabaman masses, delicious; Krispy Kreme, meh; foie gras, shutthefrontdoor that's delicious don'taskquestionsjusttaste it).

Duck fat soaked in amaretto, then shaken with milk? Some of us were braver than others.

pensive profile.


We tried all the liquid nitrogen cocktails—a mango martini with a thin layer of ice on top that you stab with a skewer to release a sphere of pure mango deliciousness into the ice-cold liquor, and a citrus martini with a nitrogen-frozen lemon slice that hits the vodka and shatters into a thousand beautiful, sweet shards.

We poked the chicken until she woke up, then fought ruthlessly over who got to hold her.

hurmph.


Oh, and everybody wore the hat.

pork pie.


We also ate, a stunningly delicious experience that works best if you leave your expectations at the door.

TFin has eaten on just about every continent in the world, in some of the best restaurants in the world, and he declared his burger (raw hanger steak, garlic, chili, capers, Worcestershire, pickled onion, frisée salad, smoked mayo, and a sous-vide egg yolk) the "best steak tartare I've ever had. But on a bun."

flip tartare.


MW, our resident pescatarian, tried the "burger of the day," an almost-too-pretty-to-eat tuna tartare burger spiced with wasabi and topped with a trompe l'oeil egg yolk that turned out to be sweet mango purée. Also: fried bread and butter pickles, sprinkled with fresh dill and served with buttermilk ranch dipping sauce.

flip tuna.

*photo by MW.


I had the Korean bbq burger, a crazy two-meats concoction that combines American wagyu beef and short rib, kimchee ketchup, pickled vegetables, and crispy tempura onion.

flip korean.

*photo by MW.


Yes, I fit that in my mouth. Ahem.

There was so much eating and so much exclaiming and so much being obnoxious that we were only vaguely aware that we were being waited on by the entire staff of the restaurant. The manager paced alongside our table, reprimanding our waitress for the slightest oversight of water refills or dropped napkins. Sure, Richard Blais came out and spoke, but it's a new restaurant. The chef makes the rounds.

Except then he came back. And he seemed nervous. We chitchatted with him aimlessly; I was the only one at the table who watched Top Chef (see note re: social life), so no one recognized him until I commenced stage whispering. Finally he admitted that someone behind the bar had notified him that there were people in the restaurant who "had cameras. And not just cameras, BIG cameras."

They thought we were someBODY.

blais nitrogen.

*photo by MW.


The earnestness was almost too much to bear, an overdose of adorable.

I rarely rave, but go to FLiP, over and over again, and try everything on the menu that you can. And be kind—leave your big camera at home.
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*mind games.

News bulletins from the brain of K:

You can call broccoli and cauliflower a "great alternative to French fries," Giada, but that does not make it so.

J, you see that thing over the fence that you're barking at with such fierce determination? That's what we call an "8-year-old." It does not present a life threat or cause for alarm. Usually.

I'm a little bit cold and a little bit hungry, but a lot too lazy to do anything about either.

The crooked puglet enjoys licking the gray dog's nose tumor. This is either rather sweet, or terribly strange.

Yes, I am at the mother's abode, pup- and housesitting whilst she cruises with rock bands for the weekend. I have a Jack Russell terrier on my hip, a puggie at my feet, a gray mutt skulking around downstairs, and Cricket, the aforementioned crooked one, galloping around the den with J at her heels. He is overjoyed that someone actually wants to play with him. I think they're joined at the low IQ.

If you've perused the Woodside for more than a few posts, you're aware that dogs figure heavily into the equation. Christmas, as you may have noticed, was no different. After a morning at mom's, we zip over to TFin and JBSH's house.

baroo.


That's S. Those eyes get her out of a lot of trouble.

stongue.


She's a mess, but she gets J all hot and bothered.

tail blur.


Martin went to pick up his lovely ladies, while TFin and LSis had a long philosophical conversation with the chicken.

wah.


Turns out she's a big proponent of same-sex marriage, gun control, and the public option.

bah.


But her bias is mostly for grandpas in red sweaters.

just for grins.


When Martin returned with E and A and T, the holiday fun began. Christmas tunes played softly on the radio, the customary Wisconsin cheese plate was devoured with unnerving speed, and all of the traditions were honored, from stockings hung by the chimney with care

with care.


to that Christmas classic, freeze-dried squid.

squid face.


Gifts were gleefully given and received.

i touch.


Santa's elves made a lot of technological advances this year.

farmer in the.


And in the end all of the waiting was worth it.

huh?


Because A made this face. (I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure the ribbons from LSis' Williams-Sonoma box were her favorite gift.)

e t.


Stop. Growing. Right this second.

No one was hungry, but we sat down to dinner anyway, letting the being together whet our appetites for a truly impressive feast.

rez fam


JBSH had cooked all day, making the universally beloved green bean casserole,

green bean.


rich macaroni and cheese oozing with exotic dairy and topped with crispy crumbs,

cheesy mac.


and an insane duck hash, luxe with shredded duck and velvety potatoes, and topped with a perfect egg.

hash.


This is a sense-memory sort of meal, the kind that the mere mention of can instantly conjure every taste and texture. Drool factor: infinity.

In the waning hours of the day, bellies full of warm food and glossy wine, we pulled out the girls' new Mind Flex game.

up skirt.


And I took a picture of the chandelier. Because I was not the least bit tipsy, no I was not.

Mind Flex is terrific because you have to move the blue ball using only the power of your mind.

flex.


You'll note there are no pictures of me completing this activity. I was abjectly wretched at the exercise, which I'm sure has no implications for the strength of my brain.

flexed.


There are plenty of pictures of OTHER people flexing their minds, however, because absolutely everyone looks ridiculous with something on their heads.

applause.


And when you have something ridiculous on your head, that moment by rights must be preserved and published on the worldwide Web.

focus.


In the end, we all came away with a sense of our particular cerebral prowess (K = not much), bruises on our foreheads, and the knowledge that some people have more impressive skills than others. Right JBSH?

whee.


Wacky wonderment!

concentrate.


More fun was had, dishes were washed, and tails were wagged than have been in recent memory. And we were reminded of a very important universal truth:

nap art.


Using your brain is exhausting.
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holly day.

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This message brought to you by People Who Have Too Much Time on Their Hands But Not Enough to Learn How to Navigate This Crazy Universe They Call "The Internet." Thank you, each of you, for screaming into our voicemails. You make the cocktails that much sweeter.

Last night I arrived home from a particularly long day at work to find two messages on my answering machine—one from my bank and one from Southeast Toyota Finance. This morning I smoothed out those messes, plus an additional one from my insurance company, then arrived to another particularly long day at work to find that my e-mail doesn't work and the toggle button on my mouse will only scroll UP.

I've looked everywhere for a place to return my grownup card, but it keeps coming back nonrefundable. (Though I'll admit, while I have managed to skate my way into my 30th year with a continued distaste for talking on the phone to strangers and tackling the small details, it's the inability to scroll DOWN that's really twitch-making.)

And so I dwell on the happy holiday memories, when the days were filled with sleep and the calories didn't count. (This is an opinion my reflection in the cubicle window does not support.)

We spend Christmas morning at my mom's, LSis, BiL, the grandmadre, S&M, and I. The names have changed, but the mimosas remain the same. This year we invited the chicken to join us, and she was impressed.

stella bear.


We gave gifts

pretty profile.


(earrings, in M's case. Isn't she lovely?) and received gifts

monies.


(the entire set, which my grandmother has been lovingly, and amazingly, collecting for each of us for nigh these 12 long years) and, in some cases, glanced askance at gifts

asmiles.


(M: It's a hose! Endorsed by the National Arthritis Foundation! G: I asked for a hose reel).

The pups watched the festivities from behind bars, skittering and whining in consternation.

pups on parole.


Except for the chosen people, of course.

cricked.


This is how a pug gloats.

i am the walrus.


Lots of people say lots of schmaltzy things during the holidays, about how it's not about the food that you eat or the lawnmowers that you get but about the family.

generate.


The time spent with loved ones in the glow of the early morning light and the twinkling strands on the tree.

words from the wise.


The laughter exchanged and the misty moments recalled, combined with a stunning sense that there are things this Christmas that didn't even seem possible at the last one.

grand.


I have no idea what those people are talking about.

search.

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I am a work in progress. I perpetually need a hair cut. I'm totally devoted to my remarkable nieces and nephew. I am an elementary home cook and a magazine worker bee. (Please criticize my syntax and spelling in the comments.) I think my dog is hilarious. I like chicken and spicy things. I have difficulty being a grown-up. Left to my own devices, I will eat enormous amounts of cheese snacks of all kinds.

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